The meaning of life! What is it, how do you find it and when do you arrive at it? The meaning of life is often pondered at times of profound grief. The type of gut wrenching, knock the wind out of you, can't get out of bed for six months grief. Ever been there? Maybe you're there right now. Posturing the circle of life, balancing on the edge of a high place, or laying in the depths of sorrow. To love is often associated with risk of grief.

To love is to become attached to another person or animal. The recent outpouring of sadness for the koalas lost and injured in the Australian bushfires demonstrated Australia's love of our iconic bears. The depth of collective sadness was remarkable. In contrast, what about a parent's private and protracted grief after the loss of an adult child to suicide. Sadly stigma and shame can be a barrier to an outpouring of support for the bereaved. I think about my mother who cared for her husband who lived with the slow progression of vascular dementia for 23 years. At the end of his life she put on his bronze memorial plaque 'My chains are gone!'. It struck me as a remarkable celebration of his freedom and a sign that she had already grieved the loss of the man she loved. The way we grieve is therefore affected by the circumstances.

Expressions of grief in some families may not be tolerated in other societies. When my new husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness I'll never forget how I felt. I think I mentioned it earlier...gut wrenching, knock the wind out of you, can't get out of bed for six months type of feeling. Yet he reacted in the opposite way that was foreign to me. Nobody was right or wrong. It's messy, this grief thing. It's intangible and foul smelling if we let it. Complicated grief can happen when it goes on a very very long time. Theorists have debated models of grief for centuries...Freud, Shear, Wagner, Warden to name a few. What seems to affect the way we cope with grief is things like how attached we are to the person, personality, spiritual beliefs, complicating factors like mental health, abuse, culture, social norms and circumstances of death to name a few (Hall, 2011).  Grief is a really personal thing.

Nurses stepped up a notch when my loved one entered palliative care. The outpouring of empathy, kindness, consideration for the little things was outstanding. It made the whole death thing somehow tolerable. Do doctors crank up the morphine and teeter it to the edge of what some may call euthanasia...so that it is 'a good death'. It spared the patient from the depths of physical pain. Come to think of it I've been present when three loved ones have been in palliative care. The pattern each time was doctors releasing them from suffering. I recall my ethics professor discussing Thompson's famous violinist case...which illustrated when making decisions about life and death always consider is it 'for the greater good'. Quite an ethical dilemma...the euthanasia debate. 

Which brings me back to the meaning of life. We critically analysed abortion for 13 weeks in my philosophy class...I remember wishing I could do my essay on the ethics of euthanasia because it was more topical for me at the time. In studying ethics, I reflected on the social conditioning and institutionalisation I had been exposed to in my lifetime and how it  had impacted my choices. At the end of the circle of life, personally I want to know I have lived a good life? Have I been kind, ethical, responsible, considerate of others in my choices and behaviour. Just being a decent human being, living life for the greater good seems enough for me. Kinda makes me want to start a kindness epidemic with so many doing it tough!

Support for grief and loss support is available.

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This week I did a course on core values with Sandi Herrera as part of my continuing professional development. It gave me opportunity to reflect on my light source, what are my core values and why? As I mused over the topic of light source in my meditation I had a vision in my mind of a triangle, with a white glowing light at the apex. The sides of the triangle were illuminated by the glory of the white light. Inside the triangle was pure white. The base of the triangle got me thinking about roots and that they need water for nourishment. Like a tree in the shape of a triangle. For centuries history indicates people planted tall trees as they wanted to occupy the high places in the spiritual realm. To get closer to the source of light, wisdom and power. 

Core values define the backbone of who we are and what we create.

Core values define the backbone of who we are and what we create. Like the base of the triangle...our values lay a foundation for stability in life. By raising our consciousness it avoids blaming other people unconsciously for things that block our way. There is a difference between values you agree with, versus your core values. We can be respectful of others and support them in their values. Think about what really bugs you? If it is people that talk down to women then you might really value respect in relationships. Having our values alignment avoids people pleasing or putting up with things we don't value. Live with purpose, clear the clutter, rid yourself of toxic relationships. What is your personal purpose...your why!

Much has been written over the centuries also about the sun, moon and stars. Sources of light. However, if these sources go dim, the moon is blacked out, the sun goes down and the stars fail to give light...what will be your light source? The furnace of affliction has caused me to dig deep on this issue personally. Divorce, loved ones with terminal illnesses, periods of financial difficulty, family and relationship conflicts, heavy case loads, exposure to narcissism, disabilities, fires, floods, and now a pandemic. Everything we go through is a refining fire. Personally, my trials  have caused me to search for wisdom and live humbly by my belief about my everlasting light.

Are you living in a space of values alignment?

Whatever your higher power belief system, a pandemic is a good time to reflect on your light source. For me, I want to be part of the generation that ends human trafficking. What is driving your core values, do you live with intention, purpose, higher consciousness and clarity? Are you living in a space of values alignment? I'd love to hear your musings on values alignment. If you would like to activate your core values in a counselling session I'd love to support you with techniques to do that. Living with intention is a powerful place to be!

Love & light
​Tania
x

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I've been gone a while now and missed you! I'm feeling very grateful to have two essential jobs...whilst trying to keep my head above the increased need for crisis work which the pandemic has triggered. It's taken all my self-control to manage cabin fever, practice mindfulness, gratefulness and look for the silver lining the last month during the lockdown whilst providing telehealth counselling and casework. Some days I failed miserably! Other days when the sun was out I embraced working from home, took walks by the lake, enjoyed the friendly hellos as people exercised. Somehow the 'how are you's' have been more sincere during lockdown...especially from the single people self-isolated alone. Through it all...I never cease to be inspired and amazed by the resilience of my counselling client's who live with mental health disabilities.

It seems to be the little things that count towards resilience. The morning routine, expressions of faith, splashing the face with water, regular bedtime, food prepping, connecting in with people, and mindfulness to name a few that make all the difference. When chaos sets in...routine can be the first thing to go. However, keeping up the self-discipline of routine when things get tough is a hallmark of good mental health. Easier said than done when you're dependent on carers to provide for your needs and the workforce is impacted by a pandemic. Yet good habits are powerful things and help us navigate periods of change.

One of the only things we can control, when rapid changes are happening in the world around us, is our thoughts. We can choose to focus on the positives or the negatives. I think of my fruitless trips to buy toilet paper and coming out of the shop empty handed five times and feeling disheartened. So I chose to focus on my access to running water, a shower, and a roof over my head when so many don't even have those basic needs met around the world. That's what mindfulness is. It involves noticing the thoughts that come to us...inhale...and noticing when those negative thoughts leave our mind...exhale. It's OK to think of both the negative and the positive. It's even more powerful to notice when the negativity leaves our mind. I find it very exciting actually...when I notice a really positive thought come to my mind...it fills me with indescribable joy. You can't put a monetary value on joy!

After practicing mindfulness as a new habit for 21 days...your brain grows neurons  and new neural pathways in the brain are formed. Making it easier each day to experience joy! Pretty exciting stuff hey! This works really well with trauma triggers too. Like when a flashback comes, breathe deeply four times, notice the thought leaving. Phew! You're then back in control, breathing steadily and enjoying the physiological calm that the simple deep breathing exercises produce. Try four deep breaths and notice your heart rate fall. This is great for calming anxiety too.

Whether you believe COVID19 is a 'Plandemic' involving biological warfare or an unfortunate virus that escaped from China...I try to look for evidence. Being a person who likes to see facts and statistics (probably due to my training in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy to look for automatic thoughts V rational thoughts)...I found that Australian's only a 0.9% chance of contracting the virus and the recovery rate is 88%. The other encouraging things are that Australia has one of the lowest rates for the virus in the world, a high supply of respirators, and free public health system. 

Coming from a large family of health professionals my heart goes out to all the frontline workers. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your service and sacrifice! It's a good time to keep health workers and our leaders in our prayers too...as the daily grind of showing up and leading is a test of their resilience too.  For us personally, the things we can control are our thoughts, building our resilience, have a good morning routine, practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, and picking up the phone to connect with others. It's a privilege in my counselling practice to hear how people are navigating this new world order well. Each day holds a new celebration as  they implement new habits to increase their wellbeing and resilience. I'd love to talk with you more about resilience and mindfulness techniques and how they can transform your life. 

Light and love
​Tania x

#resilience #habits #mindfulness #neuroscience #mental health #CBT #wellbeing #psychotherapy #counselling