Father's Day - Tips for Positive Family Contact Visits

For many years during my career I have worked with families in crisis who were involved in the justice system and or child protection system. So with father’s day approaching I wanted to share my top tips for Dad’s to have positive supervised contact visits with their children.

Tips for Fathers & Family Contact - Positive Supervised Contact visits

Prepare - Preparation is key for a positive supervised visit with your children

• Arrange a time, date, and family friendly location worked out in advance. Try not to have too much booked in for the same day, clear your calendar to give you emotional space and time.
• Do some research on your child/ren’s developmental stages, additional needs, interests and developmentally appropriate games or activities to do during the visit. Ask their primary carer or your solicitor for and update, read the children’s school and health reports prior so it is fresh in your mind.
• Have a meeting or phone call with the family contact supervising agency, child protection caseworker or your solicitor prior to the visit so you know their expectations, guidelines. If relevant, build some rapport with the supervisor and their manager. Clarify if you are permitted to take photos or videos, and make sure not to get the supervisor in the footage.
• Visit the location to see what facilities are available, and any play equipment provided. Save up for any expenses that may be incurred and pack a bag of age appropriate toys, activities or games to take.
• Let the supervisor know if there are any special needs or disabilities that may require additional access or support during the visit. 
• Prepare to have some emotional support the night prior, on the day and after the visit. Book a friend, parent or a counselling session to provide emotional support, assistance with preparation, and a debrief after the visit.  
• Write or type a therapeutic journal to help manage anger or anxiety that may surface prior the visit, do some exercise to release any trauma stored in your body. Think positive and visualise the visit going well. 
• If you are planning a handover with your ex partner or their family member, remember that the visit is about the children’s best interests, not a time to have adult conversations that do not relate to the visit. Maintain a future focus. 
• If you use a communication book make sure you take a pen or download the family contact App.
• Abstain from excessive alcohol or other drugs the night prior to the visit so you feel alert and fresh. 

On the day of the visit

• Plan to wake up fresh and be emotionally present, and comply with any parenting and or court orders. If you eat breakfast, make it a healthy one so your mind is clear. Hydrate, drink enough water and engage in practices prior that support your body, mind and spirit. Talk to someone supportive to release any anxiety prior. 
• Refrain from taking anyone unapproved to the visit or anyone who may lose their cool during a handover.
• Arrive 15 minutes early and practice some deep breathing, and visualise the visit going smoothly, listen to calm music prior to entering the visit. Ensure there is a first aid kit and water accessible at the venue.
• Smile and greet the children, listen to their updates. Listen for any handover instructions eg re medication or special needs for the children.
• Offer the child/ren choices during the visit, eg activities, games and conversations.
• Be in the moment, manage your anger or anxiety and excitement. Be aware of where stress starts to manifest in your body so you can self-regulate it, so you don’t flip your lid should you experience a trauma or grief trigger. Keep your cool. 
• Keep the conversations child focussed. Refrain from sharing adult problems with the children, focus on play time, being a secure base for them towards developing or maintaining a secure attachment.
• Be emotionally and physically present, and attune to your children’s needs and interests according to their developmental stages and ages. Watch for your children’s body language that is non-verbal and anticipate their needs and if they may be experiencing a trauma trigger seeing you if there has been a prior incident. Be patient, build their trust. Avoid use of your phone and texting during the visit, give the children all your quality time. Use eye contact at their level and maintain a calm voice.
• Take or offer healthy food and drinks or you might see some behaviours manifest from excessive sugar, preservatives and food colourings.
• Supervise the children, ensure their best interests and safety are provided for during the visit and support siblings to have positive interactions. If your children are of various ages try to ensure you have a variety of activities to spread your time with each child.
• Abide by the parenting plan and court orders to the letter. 
• Have no expectations, this will reduce disappointment if a child is sick, refuses to attend, or wants to leave early.
• Be calm and respectful, demonstrate love and kindness, follow the supervisor’s reasonable directions and ensure you communicate with them about any requests or needs on the day.
• Commit to stay for the full visit, even if you’re disappointed with the outcome and want to leave early. You can be 'bigger, stronger and wiser', like the Circle of Security parenting course content.
• Refrain from discussing adult and court matters in front of the children.

After the visit

• Write a relevant handover in a communication book, if using one, or an App. Communicate any emergency handover in a timely manner.
• Review the things that went well and make a note of anything you’d like to do differently next time.
• Start planning your next visit with your parenting goals in mind. 
• Talk to your support person or counsellor to debrief any trauma triggers that arose. Have further sessions to empower you to manage your emotions, anger, grief and any disappointments, also to ensure a future focus and plan for further positive contact visits.
• Review any supervised contact reports and address any parenting concerns raised in them before the next visit.
• Treat yourself to something calming eg a nice dinner and a warm bath to relax, congratulate yourself on all the preparation you did to be the best father you can be to your children in the circumstances. Listen to relaxing music to help you wind down and sleep after the visit.

By preparing, supporting yourself and your children, you’ll be sure to have glowing supervised contact reports that may improve your visits for the future. Every circumstance is different so seek professional advice where necessary. Have a very happy Father’s Day! Remember that you will always be the children’s birth father.

​If you'd like to book a counselling session to unpack this further I'd love to support you. Please reach out. If you are in need of a trauma informed lawyer on in Sydney, Newcastle or the Central Coast consider Jacqui Bilson of Bilson Law
- who has an ethical commitment to empowering parents to develop parenting plans, settlement and divorce in the least intrusive way possible.

Love & light
Tania